NFIB

Let's Turn the Tax Code Into a Reality TV Show
04/ 01/ 2004

by Harvey King

When I told my accountant I was writing a column about taxes, he demanded that I first warn readers that I know absolutely nothing about taxes. So, you've been warned.

However, I believe I know a thing or two about taxes.

For one thing, I know the way taxes are collected makes no sense. I'm not talking about whether or not the government needs revenue to fix streets, maintain long-range nuclear submarines and pay for those people who scan luggage at the airport. That part, I understand. Rather, my confusion is about how and why certain activities are taxed while others aren't.

For example (and it will become quickly apparent why my accountant thinks I'm a complete idiot) I don't understand why I'm told I only have to pay taxes once on the earnings of my Sub-Chapter "S" corporation. How come I only pay once if the check I'm writing to the IRS is coming from my personal checking account which, as far as I can tell, only has money in it that has been taxed before? I've counted it up, and that's paying taxes twice. (Please, no mail. My accountant tells me that I'm only paying once, even if I don't want to believe it.)

Another thing that's messed up about our tax system is that it's too regressive, no, wait, not regressive enough. I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. All I know is, I know a lousy tax when I see one. And, like everyone else I know, I can tell you when we should drive three hours to purchase groceries in the next state to save a few dollars and how many tons a Tahoe weighs.

Everyone knows the tax code is incomprehensible. So why don't our lawmakers just give up and start over? Why don't they just say, "Taxes stink, no one likes them, everyone can figure out how to avoid them ... so let's just have some fun."

They should adopt my tax plan: The Intentionally Random System. Under my plan, the way people are taxed would change each month based on randomly selected suggestions sent in from around the country. On a live TV program at the beginning of each month, the Secretary of the Treasury would draw a card from a big tumbler. After pausing to read it, the Secretary would look into the camera and say something like, "This month's tax system is sent in by Mildred Clonts of Pittsburgh. She is requiring each of us to pay 2 cents for every nail used in the construction of our house or apartment. And, she says, if you don't have a house or apartment, your tax will be based on the number of times your car's tires revolve while traveling one mile."

Throughout the next month, TV cameras would follow citizens around watching them figure out how to remove as many nails from their homes as possible without it crashing in and seeking advice from mechanics on whether they should inflate or deflate their car's tires.

Each night, the Treasury Secretary would come on TV to report how much nail tariff or tire revolution tax was flowing into the nation's coffers.

By the time the nail lobby and the tire lobby had figured out how to kill the tax, it would be the first day of the next month and the Treasury Secretary would be drawing a card announcing that the tax system for the next 30 days would be calculated on a complex formula based on the number of gallons of water some guy in Sacramento uses to water his lawn.

It all makes sense to me. However, as my accountant is quick to point out, what do I know about taxes?

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This article originally appeared in the April/May 2004 issue of MyBusiness magazine.

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